The Key

The Key. Way Simpler than you Imagined

11/27/20256 min read

When I started writing this, I was sitting inside the children's hospital while my son was undergoing a surgery. To my left was an apple danish and a sugar cookie latte I got from a coffee shop in the downstairs lobby. I also had a bag of dark chocolate almonds I was eating on which were a bit of a disappointment because for some reason they tasted like mint chocolate……Anyway- this information has no relevance, I just thought I would set the mood.

What I've noticed since I started this blog ( consistently ) is that no matter what direction I want to go in- when I start to write, I'm always pulled in another direction. What’s most important about that is that I follow the pull. Beautiful experiences occur when I do- always follow the pull. The problem with that is that I have two full blog posts and several half written posts just waiting for their day…..oh well…we will get there eventually. I will tell my story- but- not before I do what I'm being called to do first.

Lets talk about SEX baby, lets talk about you and me-.............lol just kidding- well for now.

(gosh- I’m showing my age lol)

In all seriousness though, I wanna talk about something, but I kinda need to break it down, then mix it all together to get to the point.

SHADOWS

There is so much value in “shadow work.” For those who may not know, "shadow work" is a fancy way of saying "cleaning up your sh*t." Addressing your own shadows is one the most difficult things to do, but it's also one of the most loving things you can do. Doing this allows you to address the “why” behind every decision (good or bad) you’ve made.

I’m not saying anything ground-breaking here. I think almost everyone is aware to some extent of the shadows that live in each of us. Allow me to use myself as an example.

I was literally co-dependent with an anxious attachment style. (yikes)

Not because I was afraid to be alone, nah, nothing like that. Lol. Just abandonment wounds. Abandonment doesn't always mean you were dropped off at a shelter. I’d actually argue most abandonment wounds stem from emotional abandonment more than physical. Nevertheless, mix that in with low self-worth and there you have it folks….

A F*ckin Mess.

GRACE

The first step to addressing the shadows and actually healing them (at least for me) is grace. NOW- before I dive deep into grace…DO NOT let your narcissistic ex try to gaslight you into thinking grace means forgiving him/her for cheating 10 times, crashing your car, and dragging you across the floor. ( That's not what I'm talking about. When i’m talking about grace- i’m talking about forgiving yourself for what you didn’t know. People love to say “ when you know better, you do better.” and sometimes I feel like it's used as a way to insult someone’s emotional intelligence, but, if you stop and really understand the phrase, you realize- you have to KNOW something to do something. Sometimes you just don’t know. Sometimes that's not your experience.

And don't even get me started on the people who try to make you feel bad because they feel like you should have known better because they knew better. We all have different walks of life and different timelines. Your awakening is yours-not to be compared to anyone else’s.

I was so mad at myself for the longest time about some of the decisions I made. “Why did I stay, why did I do this, why didn't I do that.” It took me a while …a WHILE to look back and realize that one, I was so young. I thought I was grown- I was a baby, and two, I genuinely didn't know. When I say I didn't know, that isn’t to say I didn't know right from wrong- it's more to say that what I thought I knew wasn't rooted in self love, it was rooted in self abandonment. So in those moments, when I felt like I was fighting for the right things, it's because I genuinely thought I was. I didn't begin to see differently until I was out.

HOPE

Hope saved my life- literally and figuratively . I’m sure you’ve seen The Hunger Games. There was a quote that the president said that has always stuck with me.

“Hope, it is the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope is effective, a lot of hope is dangerous.”

Hope is one of the only vibrations that can overcome despair and brokenness. When used incorrectly, it can also be a tool used to control . That's how powerful it is. In the most beautiful sense, it is a smile, it is laughter. In a dark room, hope is the tiniest sliver of light waaaaaayy over in the corner. You can't see anything going on around you. All you see is this small speck of light. In that moment you’re faced with a decision. Stay in the dark, or walk towards something- something unknown, but it still feels safer than staying in the dark. You keep moving towards the light and just when you’re about to give up, it shines a little bit brighter. You realize that while you’re not there you, you’re also not where you started.

It was because of hope I chose myself. Because of hope, I can never go back to who I used to be.

LOVE

Imma be honest, i’ve deleted this section more times than I’m proud of. You would think this would be the easiest section for me to write, but it absolutely has been the most difficult. Cause what do i really even know about love. I know I want to embody it, I want to spread it, but what do I know about it…..

When I think about my life and the legacy I ultimately want to leave, I always hope that it was in some shape or fashion rooted in love and the impact I have on others. Strange - since I’m actually kinda reserved, but that's neither here nor there. I also find myself thinking about all the ways I fall short of living in that vibration. To be clear, when I'm talking about the vibration of love, I'm not talking about singing kumbaya and hugs & kisses. I’m talking about change. Change that starts in one's self and is then reflected to the outside world.

It all feels so generic at times. And-what do I really have to say that most haven’t heard before?. We all want to experience more love, or something close to it,but what does that even mean? What I can't figure out is why something that is so innate, so natural, (or is supposed to be) is something so many of us struggle with.

I can’t speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself. I realized that my struggle with love is that I've always looked for it outside of myself…until I realized what I was looking for wasn't love- what I was truthfully seeking was validation.

Life is tough when you are living for the approval of others. It’s painful because you realize at some point or another, you will never truly get what it is you are seeking. Validation outside of yourself is not rooted in anything. That's why it's easily given, and easily taken away.

It took a while to realize that my outlook on love was not only wrong, it was dangerous. It was self destructive and self serving at the same time. Self destructing, because the type of things you do under the guise of “love” are usually self abandoning behaviors. Self- serving because validation is connected to the ego. Love is not rooted in either of those- but it is rooted in the shadows you confront, the grace that you give, and the hope that inspires you to show up everyday.

Earlier I said I wanted my legacy to be love…so how?

You just have to choose. Choose yourself- choose to forgive- choose to continue moving forward- choose to believe. When you choose these things, you are choosing love.

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Reflections

If I could have people take away one thing from this post, it would be that no matter where you are on your journey- all things will ultimately circle back to you. Not to say that the circumstance you have faced was your fault, but more so to say you have within you the key to overcome what circumstance you are up against. There is no time limit to figuring life out. The reality is life is a school and it's not possible to figure it all out.

The hardest thing I've had to overcome wasn’t outside opinions or stress- for me it was learning to give myself grace. No one can judge me harder than me- trust me, I know. Once I did that, I was able to open myself up to the possibility of hoping for more and taking the necessary steps required to getting there.

And now it's your turn............

Below are questions for you to reflect on. You can reflect internally or you can respond in the comment section beneath the questions.

What are you holding on to that you need to forgive yourself for not knowing?
Are you seeking love- or validation? How can you tell the difference?
What does hope look like for you- even in the smallest form?
If you look inward instead of outward- what is your truth?